Monday, October 17, 2005

American Samizdat

The online all-purpose classifieds board Craigslist has put up selections of their funniest ever postings [Caveat Lector: many of the postings are, in the very words of the Craigslist moderators, "explicitly sexual, scatalogical, offensive, graphic, tasteless, and/or not funny."]. Below, a sampling:

God

Jesus Christ, man, where were you?

You were supposed to show up at, shit, 1941 or something. No show.

And then Cambodia, Rwanda? Where you been?

Was that you getting off the L at Bedford with all the other hotties?

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Racist post etiquette

1. Preface your post by saying "this is just something I noticed in all Jews/Hispanics/Blacks/Asians". I mean, if its just an observation, it can't be racist.

2. Preface your post by saying how you have plenty of Jewish/Hispanic/Black/Asian friends, but you need to let this off your chest.

3. Before making a blatantly racist statement, CLEARLY state that you are not a racist. This absolves you.

4. Make sure you insult that particular race's women. Do they have big butts? Hooked noses? Greasy hair? Let them know! After all, its just something you noticed.

5. ALWAYS quote statistics. Did the Vatican research board determine that 98.7% of all homosexuals are condemned to hell for all eternity? Cite it. Did a Klan survey find that Jews are 78% more likely to be cheap and smelly? Copy and paste baby!

6. Don't forget to insult that race's homeland, even if most of them have never been there. Latin America/the Middle East/Asia/Africa sure does suck, and its YOUR responsibility to let people know anonymously through the internet.

7. Be sure to describe, in detail, an incident you saw/heard about/made up in which a member of an ethnic group lived up to their stereotype. Every academic thesis needs field research before it gets published.

8. USE CAPS AND EXCLAMATION POINTS TO MAKE IT SEEM AS THOUGH YOU'RE SCREAMING!!!!!

9. Anyone who disagrees with you is obviously a limp-wristed tree-hugging liberal, and their opinion is automatically discounted.

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Things Republicans Believe


Things Republicans Believe: A truthful and sarcastic list

1. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is a solid defense policy

2. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

3. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

4. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s and John Kerry did in the 1970s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

5. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

6. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

7. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

8. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

9. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

10. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

11. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

12. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

13. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

(From Best Of, __http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/___)

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